the watchmaker...an analogy

The most famous statement of the teleological argument using the watchmaker analogy was given by William Paley in 1802. Paley's argument was seriously challenged by Charles Darwin's formulation of the theory of natural selection, and how it combines with mutation to improve survivability of a species, even a new species. In the United States, starting in the 1980s, the concepts of evolution and natural selection (usually referred to by opponents as "Darwinism") became the subject of a concerted attack by Christian creationists.

However...some believe that they have an answer to this...



...and what of Paley? Well...that is no mystery. Just ask Darwin...

In order to pass the B.A. examination, it was, also, necessary to get up Paley's Evidences of Christianity, and his Moral Philosophy. . . The logic of this book and as I may add of his Natural Theology gave me as much delight as did Euclid. The careful study of these works, without attempting to learn any part by rote, was the only part of the Academical Course which, as I then felt and as I still believe, was of the least use to me in the education of my mind. I did not at that time trouble myself about Paley's premises; and taking these on trust I was charmed and convinced of the long line of argumentation.

Charles Darwin. Autobiography

Paley's argument...

if God had taken such care in designing even the most humble and insignificant organisms, how much more must God care for humanity!

The hinges in the wings of an earwig, and the joints of its antennae, are as highly wrought, as if the Creator had nothing else to finish. We see no signs of dimunition of care by multiplicity of objects, or of distraction of thought by variety. We have no reason to fear, therefore, our being forgotten, or overlooked, or neglected.

Paley struggled to reconcile the apparent cruelty and indifference of nature with his belief in a good God, and finally concluded that the joys of life simply outweighed its sorrows.

Life's joys outweigh the sorrows...good thought...no matter what the watchmaker was thinking...perhaps we are all a little late...when our time comes.

Oh...and Gould...well he needed to argue something other than bad design...you know...God does not play dice...and there is no bad design...just works in progress.

Love,
The Lass

The hubble field

and this my friends...is the whole of it.




take a look...at the most important image ever taken...it will give you pause. If it doesn't...we need to talk.

Love,
The Lass

happy father's day....

To all the men in my life...happy are you have son's and daughters...to make you crazy...and make your life eternal...



Love,
The Lass

No one says it quite like Cat...no it isn't easy...but take your time...and think....

Obama the lightworker? Okay...just what we needed...

Well, this was predictable. How spiritual...how absolutely Oprah spiritual...the light worker. What is frightening about this hole topic is...no doubt there are people who believe this. What am I speaking of? Read on...

Many spiritually advanced people I know (not coweringly religious, mind you, but deeply spiritual) identify Obama as a Lightworker, that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul.

There's a vast amount of positive energy swirling about that's been held back by the armies of BushCo darkness, and this energy has now found a conduit, a lightning rod, is now effortlessly self-organizing around Obama's candidacy.


Mark Morford...wrote this.

Well Mark...I feel your pain. I mean really...I think you have gone off the deep end...or hopefully this is satire. In any case...I would like to add my own "Spiritual Spin". Obama...is a left...far left politician...who has you all charmed...and that means he is much like another snake oil salesman...not naming names...

Oh...and one more thing...

Don't listen to that man....

Love,
The Lass

Maslow and a bit of an argument.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is a theory by Abraham Maslow that states that humans have five basic needs: psychology, safety, love/belonging, esteem and self-actualization. These needs are arranged in a hierarchy where the higher needs come into focus when lower needs are satisfied.

While Maslow's theory makes intuitively sense in our western culture there is no scientific evidence to support such hierarchy. Maslow supposedly rethought his theory at the end of his life. Even though the theory lacks scientific support it is very common in psychology textbooks and many people are exposed to it.

I personally think it is an ill-conceived concept that limits people in their struggle to live fulfilled lives. It gives people the idea that happiness depends on satisfying needs. In reality people overestimate the impact of satisfying a need due to something called impact bias. I think that the struggle of satisfying needs and avoiding pain is a major source of unhappiness in our society today. I think it is time that we get rid of Maslow's theory.

Really???? Yes Really...

Read on....

As a trained Behaviorist, this was the beginning point for Maslow. But then he changed his mind. How did that happen? When? What trigger it? He tells about the change in The Farther Reaches of Human Nature.

“Our first baby changed me as a psychologist. It made the Behaviorism I had been so enthusiastic about look so foolish that is could not stomach it any more. It was impossible.” (p. 163)

As he recognized that babies come with an inner self or inner nature, the over-simplicity of the Behaviorist model would no longer do. As this new understanding grew, he later wrote the following as recorded by Edward Hoffman his biographer in The Right to be Human: A

Biography of Abraham Maslow (1988).

“Man is ultimately not molded or shaped into humanness. . . . The environment does not give him potentialities and capacities; he has them in inchoate or embryonic form, just exactly as he has embryonic arms and legs. And creativeness, spontaneity, selfhood, authenticity, caring for others, being able to love, yearning for truth are embryonic potentialities belonging to his species-membership just as much as are his arms and legs, brain and eyes.” (p. 232, italics added)

So it was in the last year of his life, about 1970, he evaluated his theory and the many case studies of individuals who had taken it up as a way to guide their lives. He found about 95-98% of the people did not do as well as his theory predicted. The reason was that they lacked a general moral and spiritual system of value and contact with God, Spirit.

He then revised his theory, calling it "Theory Z," to include at the top of the self-actualization hierarchy, God-realization or Self-realization. He was back where his intuition began, at the cost of many people not doing as well as they might have, if he'd been more brave.

What are you talking about lass? Ok...keep reading...

Saint Therese of Neumann lived, under 24/7 National Socialist military and medical hostile inspection and guard, without water or food, for decades. She stated she lived on God's Light. She lost no weight, and witnessed Christ Jesus' crucifixion on a weekly Friday basis, during the "Book of Revelation" outpicturing of the "mark of the beast" in Nazi Germany. Paramahansa Yogananda, a Saint, bravely visited her (he was not Blond and Blue-Eyed, you see), and both co-witnessed the Crucifixion records displayed for Saint Therese, and said he understood how she was indeed living on the Light of God. He joked to her, don't tell anyone...it will put the farmers out of a job. (Chronicled in "Autobiography of a Yogi,"

Just consider this...when considering needs...the soul is directly linked with God...and in that...no food, no other needs can or will come between it...and the light of God's Grace...

What proof? Well...let's see...I think Christ is a very good example.

Think it is time to go to sleep...I do need to do that.

Love you all...

The royal pain in the neck...and loving you all for putting up with her.

The Lass

Oh...and El Cid...I read the book...now time to argue...oops...debate...oops...discuss...oh I think you understand...you self-actualized...oops...soulful woman...living in God's good grace.

somewhere...

Far beyond the sea...he is there waiting for me. Well I think you get the message...a sailor's heart...sailing into his heart...somewhere out there he is waiting...



Some may think me foolish to have waited...some may think me foolish for having faith. But I think I always knew...for me...there would be but one...and that is the truth of it.

Counting down the days to Alaska again...to celebrate a wedding. And in that...celebrate life...just as I love to do.

Love,
The Lass

joyful...joyful...

I just love this song...and the movie? Well...let's just say...the song is good.



It just makes YOU want to get up and dance...doesn't it?

Yep...it sure does

Love,
The Lass

a journal....a young man...and discovery.

Many years ago my mother began a daily habit of journaling. It was something she did not only for herself...but for us. She believed these scratchings would one day illuminate our lives....passed down to future generations...perhaps for her great great great grandchildren...to discover...like reading a book of their lives...or the lives of the ones that came before...

So, I too formed the habit. And shared this idea with others along the way.

One of the "others" is a young man name "k". His young life had been torn by drugs, crime...and a life that was not only hard on him...but the ones who loved him...who would be torn by his tormented life. What brought him to that state was all too typical...what brought him out, was not.

K began life as most...his home was normal in every fashion. His parents were loving...or at least thought so. He was well tended...and attended. But something in K was driven to the other side of life. He was drawn at an early age to things dark...and his choice of friends were darker. His parents were I believe perplexed...and sought every counsel they could...but K's life went deeper and deeper into disrepair. All of the hope began to dim...and even his parents could no longer bear the grief of watching their son...sink into the abyss...

Finally the lad found himself in so much trouble that his bravado...and his rage...could not longer hold him up against his own actions...he was incarcerated for one year...and that was the beginning of the end of his trail of trials.

While in this internment...he was counseled...analyzed...and given many lessons...his inmates were far worse than he...and his life seemed strange to even him...so K continued to slip into this darkness...holding on to the rage that filled him....rage he never quite understood.

When K was released he was without a home. His parents had given up on him...and his only place would be with some cousins who were not exactly role models themselves....

As it turns out...K came to work for my organization. Although he had been convicted and served time...he was hired. And that is when I met K.

At first K was very brash...and quite lazy. So...I set out to turn this around...but what began as a supervisor's...supervision...became something quite different.

One night K was being his moody self...and I was getting a little annoyed with the lad. So I pulled him aside and asked him to take a break with me. We went outside into the fresh air in the garden center...and I asked K what the problem was...and he said that he hated the job...hated his life...and began to tell me his story.

After listening to K...I told him if he picked up the pace a little...that I would make a bargain with him...K was intrigued...what bargain? Well...I said, "we will go about...building a bridge from your past to your future." K, was not impressed..."I don't have a future..." I smiled, "Oh yes you do...you just need to build the bridge."


The next night when K arrived for the night shift...I handed him a journal. He looked at me ...a bit put off...and said, " What am I suppose to do with this?" "Write in it.." I responded. K, looked at me with those brooding eyes of his...and said, "So this is the plan...forget it." And he walked away.

The next night I saw K sitting in the break room...watching TV, when he was suppose to be working. I walked up to the lad...asked him to see his journal...He didn't look up...he just said, "in the garbage can." I said..."you better go home now." And K said..."are you firing me?" I said, "no, I am telling you to go home." Come back tomorrow with the journal and a better attitude...or don't come back at all...your choice...make it..."

The next night K arrived with the journal...and he was not looking pleased...but he was there. So at break time...we went outside to the garden center...perched on the pile of bricks...I sat with K...and asked him to open the journal. The pages were blank...and that is when I pulled out my pen...and wrote on the first page..."The story of my life..."

K stared at the page...then looked at me with such anger...and angst. "I don't have a story...and I don't have a future...and you are full of shit." K started to get up...and I gently put my hand on his arm...and said, "not yet...I am not finished..." So, I continued to write..."my story is yet to be written...on these pages...I will write my future, the real story of my life..." K...was still. I handed him the journal and said..."Write your life...each day...write everything you do, even the simple things...just write..."

K said.."are you some counselor? I have been seen by the best! You think you can change my life?" I smiled and said..."Not at all K...you will change your life...you will write your life..." I placed the journal in K's hands...and then whispered in his ear..."your life is yours...no one else can write it, but you...it is yours...yours alone...now write your life..."

The next weeks K came in...no journal in hand...but his work began to improve...and I would work with him...and listen to his chatter about his friends...his family...and of course girl problems.

Finally about two months into our nightly breaks...never speaking of the journal...K brought it in for me to read...Every page filled with facts and stories of his daily routine...gossip...and little snipets of his thoughts on things...then finally I got to the last page he had written...it was about a conversation he had with his brother...and his anger toward him. K's words were harsh...and full of regret...jealousy and worse. K was looking inward...and saw in his brother...what he hated in himself....this entry would be the first of many such entries...and I knew that K was searching for what was in him...on the pages of his life. My only comment to K..."you have placed a brick onto your bridge...good going..." And with that, we returned to work...not speaking of the journal again for a couple of weeks."

Last night K came to work...and this time he was smiling...and something else...he was clean...haha. So it was at break time...we retreated to the garden center...and K pulled out the now worn journal...and handed it to me. He said, "turn to the last page." So I turned to the last page dutifully...

Here were the words..."I was offered a job as a mechanic today, and I am going to take it. It turns out I am very good with cars, and I am going to be training to get my certification. I discovered I love working on engines, and that is what I want to do. My father is going to pay for school, and I am going to become an aviation mechanic."

I looked up at K...from this worn journal...and put my arm around the lad..."So...you are leaving me K..." His head bowed down..."I built my bridge...time to go." I smiled then whispered in K's ear..."one day I will fly on one of the planes you work on...make sure I am safe." We got up and walked back into the store...silent...these next few nights will be my last with K...but I do believe the lad is now building his bridge...and it was a little journal that took him there...and I hope that he writes the pages of his life...the rest of his life.

So...El Cid, your habit is now handed down...to a young man named K...who will, I am sure...write a very good story...

Love,
The Lass

Oh...and something else...I am giving K a new journal as a going away gift. Something tells me that K has become quite chatty in his writing...maybe one day his children...his grandchildren...and their grandchildren...will be reading about this man...who built a bridge...one page at a time.

the road less traveled....I have been there

A little Robert goes a long way...

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

sometimes you need to know the rest of the story...

Here is a true story by Paul Harvey. Pass it to anyone who you think would find it interesting and inspiring. You will be surprised who this young man turned out to be. (Do not look at the bottom of this letter until you have read it fully.)-

Years ago a hardworking man took his family from New York State to Australia to take advantage of a work opportunity there. Part of this man's family was a handsome young son who had aspirations of joining the circus as a trapeze artist or an actor. This young fellow, biding his time until a circus job or even one as a stagehand came along, worked at the local shipyards which bordered on the worse section of town.

Walking home from work one evening this young man was attacked by five thugs who wanted to rob him. Instead of just giving up his money the young fellow resisted. However they robbed him easily and proceeded to beat him to a pulp. They mashed his face with their boots, and kicked and beat his body brutally with clubs, leaving him for dead.

When the police happened to find him lying in the road they assumed he was dead and called for the Morgue Wagon.

On the way to the morgue a policeman heard him gasp for air, and they immediately took him to the emergency unit at the hospital. When he was placed on a gurney a nurse remarked to her horror, that this young man no longer had a face. Each eye socket was smashed, his skull, legs, and arms fractured, his nose literally hanging from his face, all his teeth were gone, and his jaw was almost completely torn from his skull.

Although his life was spared he spent over a year in the hospital. When he finally left his body may have healed but his face was disgusting to look at. He was no longer the handsome youth that everyone admired.

When the young man started to look for work again he was turned down by everyone just on account of the way he looked. One potential employer suggested to him that he join the freak show at the circus as The Man Who Had No Face. And he did this for a while. He was still rejected by Everyone and no one wanted to be seen in his company. He had thoughts of suicide. This went on for five years.

One day he passed a church and sought some solace there. Entering the church he encountered a priest who had seen him sobbing while kneeling in a pew. The priest took pity on him and took him to the rectory where they talked at length. The priest was impressed with him to such a degree that he said that he would do everything possible for him that could be done to restore his dignity and life, if the young man would promise to be the best Catholic he could be, and trust in God's mercy to free him from his torturous life. The young man went to Mass and communion every day, and after thanking God for saving his life, asked God to only give him peace of mind and the grace to be the best man he could ever be in His eyes.

The priest, through his personal contacts was able to secure the services of the best plastic surgeon in Australia. They would be at no cost to the young man, as the doctor was the priest's best friend. The doctor too was so impressed by the young man, whose outlook now on life, even though he had experienced the worst, was filled with good humor and love.

The surgery was a miraculous success. All the best dental work was also done for him. The young man became everything he promised God he would be. He was also blessed with a wonderful, beautiful wife, and many children, and success in an industry which would have been the furthest thing from his mind as a career if not for the goodness of God and the love of the people who cared for him. This he acknowledges publicly..

The young man. Mel Gibson. His life was the inspiration for his production of the movie "The Man Without A Face."

-From the TV appearances, Mel Gibson says he enjoys being a father. He adopted many (seven) poor children. He starred in many films. Among them are, "Lethal Weapon", "Brave Heart", "Conspiracy Theory", recently "What Women Want" and "Million Dollar Hotel".-

Healed by His Wounds and about Passion of Christ.

I have no doubt that we all pass through periods of our lives...where God seems distant...but even in the darkest hour...he sends those we need...and what a miracle it is...

Thanks Paul Harvey...you had a wonderful wife...and a wonderful life.

And now you all know the rest of the story....or do you?

Love,
The Lass

sending out a prayer...a sincere one...

nothing else need be said...



Lord I lift my friend up to you...

Love,
The Lass

a sculptor...a student...and $300.00

I love art. Many people do. But my love began as a child. My mother took me to a museum...and it was over. I had to explore the world of art. It was in my blood.

So it was that many years ago when I was a much younger lass, that I took Art History at Wayne State University. The instructor was a young man named Sergio De Giusti. He was an accomplished artist, whose passion was evident from the first words he spoke..."Art is the awakening of the sleeping spirit." I understood those words. I understood the man, partly because I came to know his art.

Sergio is a sculptor...and his relief works stand in many places...Universities, Museums...Parks...and homes...like mine.

The story of my little piece of Sergio's work...goes like this.

I heard that Sergio's work was at a gallery in town. So, I went. Now...why a student with no money would go to a gallery is one thing...maybe just to look. But...this lass was always placing the love of things...before practical matters. So...on this day...she entered this little gallery...and spied a wax relief...Two wrapped figures...entwined in an eternal embrace. She fell in love with this rapture...and had to have it for her own. 19 years old...no money, and little hope of owning it. But this lass was determined...the work must be hers.

So she went to the instructor, and explained her plight and her desire. "I don't have the money for this relief...I saw how much your work goes for, and I simply can't afford it. " She continued, "I know you do your work in brass, but perhaps you could do me this great kindness, and make a plaster caste copy for me." The instructor inquired, "What is it about this piece you love so much?" "It is a catacomb, it is a bed of love, it is paassion, with religious overtones...it spoke to me." He smiled, "Then if my work is speaking to you...I guess I cannot go against its wishes."

So we made a bargain. $300.00...for the plaster work...and he would break the mold. I would have an original by this man...and it would be the first of many pieces of art I would purchase in my life...

Now, as time goes by...art becomes much more expensive....and so it is with Sergio...

Unions to celebrate unveiling of Hart Plaza landmark Downtown Detroit's six-story steel arch at Hart Plaza, part of the labor landmark called "Transcending,'' gets its formal dedication Aug. 20 in a ceremony scheduled to start at 10:30 a.m. and extend through the day. The $1.5 million monument, designed by local sculptors David Barr of Novi and Sergio DeGuisti of Livonia, was financed by contributions from unions and union members.

1.5 million...and I have my own little monument. Which is of course priceless...

And how did I pay for this? On a payment plan...working full time, going to school full time...and giving up a few things...like going to the movies. I was a young girl, with a dream...a vision...and now a piece of art...that would forever mark...my love of beauty...and passion.

Love,
The Lass

Just enjoying the view.

oh...and the 1.5 million dollar work?

















Mine is better!!!!!

God laughs when man says He is dead

For years my mother listened to Archbishop Sheen...a great man, who knew how to speak to God's love.



I have always maintained that God has a sense of humor...and I believe that...

I also agree with him here...



from the other side of the river...

and as for the relationship between men and women...well this is something he understood...deeply.

"A man teaches a woman pleasure; a woman teaches a man continence. Man is the raging torrent of the cascading river; woman is the bank which keeps it within limits. Pleasure is the bait God induces creatures to fulfill their heavenly infused instincts - pleasure in eating for the sake of the preservation of the individual - pleasure in mating for the sake of the of the preservation of the species... Since the abandonment of the Christian concept of marriage, both man and woman have forgotten their mission..." Perhaps people need to think about this. It is a sad state...

Love,
The lass

oh...and there is this...

"If you don't behave as you believe, you will end by believing as you behave."

with me it is sometimes about music...

I played this song daily for many months...this song kept me company...at a company where there was no respite. But, for me it was a song that would carry me through some days...over and over I would play it...now it is but a memory. Yet in the night, I listen to it...remember the place, my feelings...and my thoughts at the time. How memory is linked to music.

Just like this one.



remembering...

Love,
The Lass

Born on May 20th? Well I was...and here is what else happened.

So happy birthday...to all who were born on this date...

love,
The lass

some women...just make a difference...

I am going to treat myself to a movie tonight...not just a movie...but a Lewis, extravaganza. And as luck would have it, I read a little quote from Lewis's step son...about an experience that occured with C.S., and his mother...read on.

Adamson made his case for the changes to Gresham by arguing that Lewis' female characters become stronger as the book series progresses — something he attributes to Lewis' real-life romance with Gresham's mother, Joy Davidman. Gresham agreed. As evidence, he recounted an encounter he witnessed between Lewis, Davidman and a longbow-wielding trespasser on their property. Davidman carried a small "garden gun." When the man aimed a drawn arrow at the pair, Lewis chivalrously stepped in front of Davidman to shield her. He remained for a moment until Davidman, a Bronx native, commanded, "Goddamn, Jack, get out of my line of fire."

I have always loved these two characters...and their romance, love...and mutual respect have been what I have sought...but not yet found...a chemistry of grit, intelligence and yes...adoration.

So...thrilled I am...to be seeing yet another adventure in Narnia...Popcorn and soda...does it get better than this? Oh...maybe...but just a little.

Please go and see it...better yet read the books. I did...and became a fan...



Love,
The Lass

You see...one woman can make a difference...to a man with vision...and a good tale to tell...

bing and grace....and true love

I remember seeing this movie...to Bing and Grace...and True Love...take it away Bing.



Love,
The Lass

lemonade....come on pour the glass

It seems to me that Chris and I have this in common...I am a sucker for happy endings. Life is like that...we have lemons...we have choices and life gives us lemonade...and lemons...

So here is to life...and lemonade..



And if someone is out there...that likes lemonade...well maybe we will share a glass sometime...could happen...and that would be sweet...for me.

Love,
The Lass

And to my Alaskan friends and family...be seeing you soon. I can't wait. Miss you all...

a joyous occassion...and once again I wasn't there....

First there was the dynamic duo of Phil and Ann...now there is Justin and Adriana...two people who I have come to know, and care about. This wonderful couple joined the ranks of the hopeful tonight. They wed. And this leap of faith was one that I truly had my concerns about.

For those who are not sure one can meet their beloved online...well, Justin and Adriana are one of the success stories. They met online. They met in person. They fell in love. And as all love stories...theirs had a bit of a bumpy start. Now I should say not all love stories begin that way. But, I rather think that if you really think about it, most do, and for good reason...get all that silliness out, to let the relationship in.

So, Justin and Adriana did just that. They fought the odds. Long Distance, a cultural divide, a language difference and a little thing call insecurity reared its ugly head...but the two lovers found a way to get back to the relationship...and maybe they will now have time to devote to each other, their future...and I personally hope...some happiness...

For my two friends, who have proven that sometimes you simply must work out the bugs, and take that leap...Congratulations...and may your lives together bring joy, and most importantly...may that joy be shared with friends and community. We all need to share in it you know.

And although I once again...missed the happy occasion, I am not one to stay away from the celebration. So here is to the couple, who got out of their own way...and let love in.



You see you begin...the moment you decide to let love in.

and this is my favorite...to offer my advice...and hope.



I hope you dance...don't sit it out...

Love,
The Lass

so what is true love? well read on...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
—I Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

Yes and more...

Love is best seen as devotion and action, not an emotion. Love is not exclusively based on how we feel. Certainly our emotions are involved, but they cannot be our only criteria for love. True devotion will always lead to action—true love.

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and in truth.
I John 3:18 (NIV)


So what is the difference between Love vs. toxic love?

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.

If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.

As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.

just my opinion...

Love,

The Lass